I vowed to myself that this would be the end of my pattern of inconsistency and decided to work towards becoming a happier and healthier person .One thing that I will never forget is how I got to this point
As I reflect back, I seem to focus in on the fact that I struggled really hard with my excessive weight gain after highschool. This issue weighed heavily on my happiness and I was in a dark place during that time frame. In result of that issue I battled with feelings of depression, self doubt, and sadness. There were quite a few specific instances that made me turn to food for comfort but I do not want to go into great detail on this blog. During that I time I can say that I tried to numb my pain with foods that were not healthy for me but it made me feel good inside temporarily. Some people may turn to alcohol or drugs but I turned to food. I remember pushing myself away from the people who truly loved me the most because I really felt no one understood what I was really going through and it was easier to keep my problems to myself. I also felt that God abandon me because when I needed him the most he was not around to help me. As time went by my relationship with God became estranged and non existent. On a contrary I continued to eat and neglect my health. I found myself consumed with holding on to thoughts of the negatives in my life and became selfishly distant with reality. I created a facade just to hide the amount of pain that I was experiencing. I even questioned the person I have become. I really hated this person because she was helpless and weak yet so easy to be like. Feelings of guilt consistently consumed me and in return, I realized that I lost more and more of myself day by day. I wondered what my purpose of life was, because truthfully I didn't believe I had a purpose anymore. I just gave up on myself and it was evident for everyone around me to see. I felt conflicted because I felt I was to blame but found it easier to be in denial and continue to avoid the reality of my negatives.
My Wakeup Call
As we know no one can run away from the love of God. I have tried avoiding his love for way to long. Not to long ago I just broke down and cried until I could not cry anymore. I just really felt that God was talking to me and was letting me know that he forgives me for running away from him and myself. That really touched my heart because there are some nights I can not sleep because of my guilt of the way that I have been living my life and it has gotten the best of me in every way. I know that God has sacrificed so much for me and when I was a strong believer I never had to question my faith. I really felt that my breakdown was a sign from God telling me everything is ok and I will be alright. I also felt that he was letting me know that I can not continue to run away from reality. It was that very moment I realized that no one is perfect and that I am way to critical on myself and I gave up way to easily on everything. Fact is we all have flaws and if we have something that is bothering us, it is best to address the issue and work towards making it better. My flaw was my lack of faith and having that moment really opened my eyes and made me realize that I needed to work on loving myself more and trust in the Lord. Nothing in life is the way it seems and we need to learn to not let situations determine who or what we are. I decided just to start over and make a change for my happiness because I deserve to be happy. I do feel that I am becoming closer to God and trusting in him as I should. I have asked God to help me with the negatives in my life and he truly has. I know that he has helped me because I now understand that I needed to reshape my way of thinking and everything happened for a reason. I feel that this soul searching process has changed my outlook on life completely. Faith is something I grew up with and through moments of weakness I lost it all. The trials and tribulations made me learn new things about myself and it was a stepping stone to becoming the person that I wanted to be. I can not put into words how I feel at this moment other then I am happier then I have ever been in a really long time because spiritually I feel that I can do anything. I do believe God is with me at all times because he is helping me through this journey and I feel it all around me. Many people may not even understand how I or where I am coming from but I feel that this is something they has to go though to fully understand. The feelings that I had inside of me during that negative period in my life is something I needed to experience on my own because it made see things differently today. I never ever, want to go back there and I am in a happier place now. I know that God loves me and that he opened up my eyes and gave me the love and support that I needed to wake up from my moment of weakness and I am so greatful.
Everyday I wakeup with a smile on my face because I am taking steps to becoming the person that I want to become in life. I love myself and I realize that I am a work in progress and in due time I will be able to see all of my hardwork and efforts. I do not just mean with my weightloss I also mean through my overall growth as a person inside and out. I am learning to channel my energy into a positive light and it feels great. The past is the past and I can not take it back but I am learning to overcome those painful memories. A true believer in God will always be tested but only the strong will survive. I am strong and I will continue to progress forward. I have this new burst of energy of joy and I want to share it with all of you. I am hoping that I can motivate you all to see that we can make a bad situation into a good situation because it is never to late so do not give up.